Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
