I think I am morally bankrupt
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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