Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
