so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
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You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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