today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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