I need to stop coming to work sober
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
