last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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