I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
