my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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