Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
