my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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