I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
