hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
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you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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