you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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