Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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