you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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