if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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