i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
