I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
