she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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