His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
