dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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