two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize