he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
