He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
