yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
