I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
