What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
