just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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