the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize