HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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