ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
