dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
