My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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