So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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