May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
