i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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