New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
