omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
