he was CRYING into my vagina
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
