I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
