So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
