What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
