Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You've changed since you got that strap on
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
