I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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