90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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