im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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