im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
