Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
