the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
