I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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