I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Randomize
