feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
false alarm. still invincible.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
