very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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