he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
